COURTESY P RAMANATHAN
For
the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to
drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are
applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a
vehicle is only marginally safer.
Indian
road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your
best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as
follows:
The
answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless
it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also
occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.
Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed.
Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.
Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended
direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except
for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better
position.
Don't
stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the
road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.
Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is
moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in
town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk
ill of the dead.
Blowing
your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to
express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk
blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.
Keep
informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during
traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting
for the rainwaters to recede when over ground traffic meets underground
drainage.
Occasionally
you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and
weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of
happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed,
seeking contact with the Almighty,
Auto
Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and
an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external
combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote.
This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers
three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After
careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into
these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in
contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into
the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other
vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the
peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's
laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road
rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.
Mopeds:
The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an
electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at
break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride,
the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would
rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often
"mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning
Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and during
rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off
other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded
bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of
surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg
of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses
by a width of three passengers.
One-way
Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their
otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in
one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed
in two directions at once. So drive, as you like, in reverse
throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical; I
must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential
areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each
house.
This
mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that
residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the
corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for
year-end accounting.
Night
driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those
with the mental makeup of Chenghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing
Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is
loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a
truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly
into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads
do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your
lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the
driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the
last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a
naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to
kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six
feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck
approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could
be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove
your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the
trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that
the drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the
absent signals; they are the greater threat). Only, you will often
observe that the cleaner who sits next to the driver, will project his
hand and wave hysterically.
This
is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The
waving is just a statement of physical relief on a hot day.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our constitution.
